finding Herself


“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”  (Ernest Hemingway)

She knew she was built to give love, to feel passion. Someone once called her, her “emotional friend”. She envied their coolness, their apparent ability to control their feelings, to deny emotional trauma its suffocating hold. How was it her lot, then, to feel …. everything.? What was the trick to not feeling? Or was that, in fact, a trick in itself, and not feeling was perhaps just denial.  How does anyone truly feel life’s absolute high of punch-the-sky, on-top-of-the world happiness, without taking a risk on the low?  

Her journey forward was always about finding out who she was, because she knew there was more to the wife and mother she had been for the last thirty years.  She knew there was something inside her that had not found its wings, and she needed to let them unfurl and fly.  That is why she’d left.

How terrifying, then, to discover she did not know who she was at all.  Alone and at her most vulnerable, she could not then imagine a life without someone to share it with. She would fall in love blindly, desperately and completely, to the point that she lost sight of who she was.

It took months, if not years, to realise that she did not need a someone in order to live the life she dreamed. Nonetheless, whatever our path, we are all the sum of our journey, of the people we meet, of who we love, of decisions made, of paths taken. Ultimately, if we are brave enough to look and to feel life’s pulse with the very fibre of our being, we have the chance to learn about who we really are.   

She knew one thing for sure. She hadn’t come this far, only to come this far. And actually, yes, she was beginning to rather like this take a leap-of-faith, never-look-back, go-for-it kind of woman she had become.  This Maj … was quite something!

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